Just Smile :-) Damnit!

Was up by 6am and out the door shortly after.  I have to say outright I am absolutely terrified of going to the dentist.  I have struggled with finding a good dentist and one I could afford without insurance.  I was able to go through "Donated Dental Services".  The first dentist I saw was short, curt and less than understanding.  I requested referral to someone else.  He is a person.  He treats me as a person.  His staff treats me with such respect and concern that I have to do a double take when they talk to me as an equal.  Today I had half my teeth deep cleaned.  This required injections, but they were so nice and took their time to limit the pain.  The technician talked about her pregnancy.  She is just so kind and talks enough to keep me occupied but not too much to be annoying.  I took great joy in her joy of this precious child she is growing.  I remember the joy I felt with each of my children. We are blessed to be mothers, grandmothers or teachers, or aunts or friends.  We are blessed to share in the excitement of discovery and understanding.  I felt content when I left.

Our next stop was the dialysis clinic.  My labs came back as potassium of 10.1.  My eyes bulged open like a cartoon character.   I have been having muscle twitching and wondered if it was low calcium or high potassium, but *that* high?? So he drew some blood for retesting.  Calcium was 9.1, Phosphorus was 3.6, hemoglobin was 11.2 so those were all good lab results.  Something not normally seen in a hemodialysis patient who has no kidneys at all.  If you didn't read before, I have no kidneys at all.  My diseased kidneys were removed in 2006 and I've yet to receive a transplant.  So I do my treatments at home and I am doing well by them.  Traci (one of our amazing home dialysis nurses - 1 of 3 home hemo nurses and all male - what are the odds of that?) just called me as we were driving the 60 miles home to let me know my potassium levels were only 3.4!! Somehow the blood work had hemolyzed (broken down) and so the results were faulty.  Doesn't explain the spikes in fevers, pain etc., but the really important stuff is okay.

We sat there in our truck at the intersection where one often encounters the homeless or those who struggle more than I.  A sixty something woman was pacing and twitching and jerking with her arm held out holding a cup for "change".  I felt bad, I had none.  There we all sat, some 12 or more cars all our eyes glued to watching this woman pace.  I felt badly.  I changed my gaze as I imagined most of us did to shrug off the guilt.  Were we all so empty of change? Were we scared of approaching her? Were we judging her unfairly? I couldn't look at her anymore.  You see one of the pieces of luggage I carry with me all of the time a huge bag of guilt.  Yep I add to it often and very rarely do I remove any from my bag of guilt.  Guilt for being a burden on the Medicare system, guilt for being fat, guilt for not living up to the expectations of others.  Those are the big ones.  The smaller compartments of guilt are feeling as a failure as a wife, mother, daughter, sister, grandmother, friend.  It is still a large bag and it will likely hold more.  I sat there feeling that bag of guilt way down upon me and I looked ahead.  I looked straight ahead.  There on the back of a truck window was painted three simple words in large bold letters.  It simply said "JUST SMILE :-) DAMNIT!"

I did.  I just smiled.  Then I turned to face the woman asking for money and smiled at her.  She smiled back. I felt that big old bag of guilt get lighter.  I hope I helped.  I felt better for me, and I felt better for her.

For today, "JUST SMILE :-) DAMNIT!

Blessings, Amy

P.S. if the above doesn't help remember that today is "Hug a knucklehead Day".